Sunday, June 24, 2007

Dear God: The Church

Dear God,

About a year and half ago, my small group disbanded. Since that time, my spiritual life has been on the downward decline. I stopped going to that church, feeling led that I should enter something new in my spiritual life and that I didn’t want make the 25 minute journey anymore, I joined another . It was not long before I stopped going to that church. It began with one missed Sunday. Then, following that I missed another. I missed so many I felt like couldn’t go back. And then I started coming up with a list of reasons why shouldn’t go to church:

I’m too fat
I don’t feel included
I can worship at home
I just haven’t found the right place to worship
I’m tired of the drama associated with church
I don’t like dressing up
You know my heart and how I feel about you
I’m scared I’ll be judged
Christians lives double lives
It doesn’t affect my salvation

Last night, I thought about going to church. Then this morning, my heart felt like I should be at church. Again I came up with another list of why I couldn’t go:

I’m embarrassed, I haven’t been in so long, my hair needs be done, appropriate
clothes for church are not clean

So, here I am spending another Sunday at home. I turned on the webcast of this morning’s service. But in the midst of “doing church” in bed, I hear Cat’s words, “the bible says we shouldn’t forsake the assembling of ourselves.” My mama says “she doesn’t know where she went wrong, she raised me right.” Lord, I know I need the body—even though it may appear to be dysfunctional. My heart longs for you. I need the accountability. But the more I think about it, it is supposed to be about you. All I’ve been saying is I, I, I. Corporate worship is beautiful to you.

Change my heart, oh God. Direct me to an appropriate church. This is my prayer today. Amen!

I decided to share my spiritual journey on my blog b/c it is important to who I am as a person. I am not perfect—Christians are not perfect. And I’m realizing that the church is not perfect. I pray that as I include this part of my life someone will be touched. Mostly, I hope that someone is praying these prayers with me. Happy Sunday.


Lara said...

i've been avoiding church for years, for various shame reasons. i keep trying to go again, but it's so hard. i can definitely relate. :(

Betsy said...

I am right there with you.

I must tell you that I see a lot of myself in you and visa versa. Your posts often strike a chord with me, and I feel like I know you very well.

Ms. A, I think that if we were to meet in real life, we would get along fabulously. I am so glad I have found your blog. As my friend Mary would say, "You bless me."

CaliforniaTeacherGuy said...

As a former pastor, I have to confess that it's downright difficult for me to drag myself to church on Sunday morning. In fact, I don't. Once in a while I'll drop in, but most of the time I'm a dropout. That's just the way it is right now.

Eric said...

It's hard to go sometimes. But sometimes I see it like an AA meeting (not that I go to those, but from what I've heard), it's when you least feel like going that you most need to go.

I'm going to school full-time and trying to be a father and husband. Sometimes, Sunday seems to be the best day to study for some exam on Monday and I make my excuse. But that stopped this last Sunday. I recommitted myself to attending church when the doors are open. I have to remember what my priorities are. And if they aren't in line - then they will ALL crumble. At least that's how I feel.

As for blogging your spiritual life...I do too. It's part of who I am. I can't help it. I'd like to call my blog a history or education blog, but right now I just can't. It's a cornucopia of stuff.

Don't change your blog. I like it just the way it is. Hang in there sister, you're gonna make it - with men, with God, with it all. I'll be praying for ya.